November 5, 2024
WASHINGTON – In an unexpected twist to election night, election officials nationwide announced that the results of the 2024 presidential race would not be released until voters had completed their bedtime routines.
“We’ve got the results, we know who the 47th president will be, and all the poll workers are ready to head home,” said Zack Manifold, an election officer from Georgia. “But before we call the winner, you need to brush your teeth, put on your pajamas, and maybe even floss—don’t forget, it’s for your own good!”
Manifold, along with other officials across the country, stressed that while the election may be decided, it’s crucial that everyone adhere to their nightly routines before the news can be shared. “If you eat more kettle corn after brushing, you’ll have to brush again, which will only delay everything further. So, no procrastinating—get ready for bed and you can watch the victory party for a few minutes, but then it’s lights out!”
At the time of reporting, officials relented slightly, allowing voters to stay up a little longer “just this once,” commenting that “you look so cute right now.”
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